Saturday, June 27, 2009

Circle the Wagons

Let's Get Ready to Rumble

I repeat myself eight times daily. These are snip its on everyday conversation....with sarcasm thrown in for a little extra flavor.

For one, I’m from Michigan. No, I do not attend either U of M or Michigan State. And no, Indiana is not IN Michigan, so no, you haven’t been there. Also, YES, people have sled dogs in Michigan. Also, I do Ultimate Air dogs. Oh, THAT guy? Yes, Milt Wilcox was the pitcher for the 1984 World Series. (Seriously, they ask.)
Next.
The booties? Those keep the dogs’ feet warm! Of course I’m only kidding- they prevent the dogs’ feet from being ripped to shreds by the granular snow. Typically my answer is “it’s like wearing gardening gloves to prevent calloused hands.” Where do they sleep? Okay, well, do you see that each dog is tied to a dog house? Alright, perfect—you’re not blind. Okay, now do you understand the word “doghouse?” Wonderful. Now, listen closely; these are DOGS and right next to them is a DOGHOUSE. Glad I could help. Oh, one more question? Yep, let’s hear it……”what one is the lead dog?” My specialty. All right—have you ever been alive? Lovely. And during your time as a mouth-breather, did you understand the concept of “leader?” You did? And it meant the person or thing LEADING you? Man, you’re a quality genius. With that being said, and taking into account your aptitude for all things not retarded, you’ll understand that the lead dog is the dog LEADING the team, yes? I thought so.
(***Now, of course I would NEVER respond like this to a guest! I have too much respect for my guests and for the company...I'm just having little fun here.***)


Let me add just a few more. Once more we begin: Where is the glacier? Ah, you’ve asked a tricky question. You see, I cannot, by company policy, laugh at you right now, so I'll let you ponder that one by yourself for a little longer....
You there! Yes, you with the special ice spikes that you plan to strap to your boots…....don’t . Correct. Do not put those damn things on your feet! You are walking on a SNOW, thus they are unnecessary.

And now for some funnies:
One couple lost their camera. I tried to keep their spirits up by saying “we usually find things like that and we’ll be sure to send it your way.” Her only response was “at least we didn’t have any sex videos on that one.”

I had a woman who was verrrrry ready to take a spin via dog team. We left the lot at top speed. I knew she was incredibly excited when instead of simply yelling “yay,” her exact words were “my nipples are hard!”




You know? That’s probably enough for one night. I can only fit so many glacier stories into such a small space. Just remember : life jackets are a foreign objects and "the secret of how we print these pictures out and get them down to Juneau before you" is all ours.

PS- the title quote is what we say every morning before the first helicopters arrive :-)

Monday, June 1, 2009

Rotation B- for "bad ass"

Hmmm so you may be wondering what exactly Alaska is like. Alright, well I would try to start at the beginning, but once again, forget it. I'll just throw it all out there and you can decide if it's a state worth visiting. Alaska is....actually, Alaska HeliMush is....begging for a ride to and from Era, it's dog drop with 210 dogs, it's bathing out of a bucket for 6 days a week. It's $2 for a load of laundry and 25cents for six minutes in the drier. It's finally having internet in the apartment- because before that, it was walking over the bridge into Juneau to find a cafe...while at the cafe, it was hunting for an outlet. It's pretty crazy weather. It's living on a glacier, "in someone's back pocket," where the sun is about two times stronger than in Florida. So, pretty much, it's crazy raccoon eyes and an insanely attractive farmer's tan. It's NOT soliciting tips, but bending over backwards to receive them :-) It's using "the modesty pit” instead of being caught using the guest porta-poty. It's moving tents by grunting in unison and acting like a football team....once the tents begin to move, it's avoiding the ropes. It's never being the "shovel person" in front because of the near death experience that one time. It's being a "carrier" at dinner so that you're first in line! It's "hey folks, welcome to dog world" and snapping a dozen pictures beside the aircraft in a very thin timeslot to avoid delaying the pilots. It's NOT getting the rotors or windows or engine in those pictures. It's holding the camera VERTICALLY and removing lifejackets FIRST. It's Sandy Beach and Outer Point. It's counting the cruise ships to prepare for your next time on the ice. It's Jet Dry in the tent :-) and trying to teach Kona how to play frisbee. It's "bringing it in" for rotation (and that one time we brought it in for Jenny...a good night) and rallying at the dog food. It's pounding poo and avoiding the shrapnel. It's judging "the ceiling" and timing the two miles perfectly at 20 minutes. And, to be very honest, it's knowing that this whole thing sounds insane and that no one will have a clue, but it's the truth.